Carter's Pack
by Kate McCaye
Summary: O'Neill, Teal'c, and Jonas go through Carter's pack offworld. She is not amused.


Title: Carter's Pack

Author: Kate McCaye

Rating: K

Category: Humor

Setting: Season 6

Summary: When Teal'c, Jonas, and Jack go through Carter's pack off-world, she is somewhat less than amused.

Carter's Pack

Teal'c, Jonas, and O'Neill were trying to settle in for the night. It wasn't going to be a comfortable night off-world, but it would certainly be better than some they had all endured, as they were not captured, stranded, or injured in any way. It was just cold outside, and they were, of course,outside.

Even Teal'c was using a sleeping bag, although he wasn't planning on sleeping, of course. It was merely for warmth. Jonas was snuggled down in his plushy sleeping bag, his eyes closed and a smile on his face. Jack couldn't stand it. The man could _not_ be comfortable. There was just no way. It wasn't like the dirt they were lying on was particularly soft, and it offered absolutely no lumbar support.

"O'Neill, would it be possible for you to desist your movements?" Teal'c requested evenly.

"Sorry, T. I was just looking for my Gameboy to help lull me to sleep."

"Colonel O'Neill, what's a Gameboy?" Jonas asked interestedly, rolling over onto his stomach and propping himself up on his elbows so he could watch his new CO.

"It's a handheld… thing… for exercising your fingers and… practicing hand-eye coordination," O'Neill said as he rooted around in his pack. He smiled triumphantly as he located it and displayed it for all to see.

"It is a child's game, JonasQuinn," Teal'c supplied.

"Traitor," O'Neill muttered distractedly, sitting up in his sleeping bag and turning it on. Nothing happened. "Oh no," he said quietly, in much the same tone he would implement if his team found themselves suddenly surrounded by angry Jaffa.

"What's wrong?" Jonas asked eagerly, hoping he could help with whatever was troubling his new friend and CO.

"Batteries are dead," O'Neill grunted, rooting around in his pack, although he knew for a fact he didn't have any spares.

Carter! his mind suddenly prompted. She would have spare batteries! She was always prepared. Only trouble was she was off going to the bathroom, brushing her teeth, and who knew what else. As he scrambled over to Carter's pack, Teal'c, sensing his intentions, also sensed the need to interfere.

"O'Neill, Major Carter will surely return shortly. I am sure she will be able to assist you most efficiently."

"Yeah, but I need my batteries NOW, Teal'c," O'Neill said absently, tipping her entire pack upside down and dumping out its entire contents on top of her sleeping bag.

"O'Neill, Major Carter will not be pleased to find you searching her personal belongings," Teal'c continued.

"Why not?" Jonas asked with an innocent smile, sitting up eagerly to observe more efficiently.

"Women of the Tauri value privacy," Teal'c said wisely.

"Oh fercryinoutloud, it's _Carter_."

"Teal'c is right though, Colonel, Major Carter IS a woman," Jonas pointed out, as if he had just discovered something that had previously eluded entire generations of thinkers.

"I know she's a woman, you little… never mind. I'm just looking for batteries…" He trailed off as he held up something in the dim light.

"What is that?" Jonas asked.

"Not sure," O'Neill said, opening the small tube. "Oh it's some kind of makeup," he realized, looking at the little tiny toilet-cleaning brush looking thingy.

"That is mascara, O'Neill. And that is a mascara wand," Teal'c supplied.

"What's it for?" Jonas wanted to know.

"Makeup for eyes," Jack said, handing it over to him so he could inspect it himself.

"Do you have one of these too, Teal'c?" Jonas asked innocently as he carefully examined it.

"I do not, Jonas Quinn. My facial adornments are very different from Tauri makeup."

"I wouldn't mention that again there, Skippy," Jack called, now examining something else from Carter's pack. "Any ideas, boys?" he asked, holding it up.

"That's a rock, Colonel," Jonas said helpfully.

"I know it's a rock, I was just curious as to why the smartest person on or off Earth would choose to further weigh down her pack by carrying rocks around."

"Oh. I don't know, Colonel," Jonas said seriously.

"Perhaps that particular rock has sentimental value for Major Carter," Teal'c proposed.

"Good idea," Jonas agreed with his sparkly smile.

O'Neill tossed the rock aside and continued sorting through the more usual things he would expect to find in his 2IC's pack: a first aid kit, spare tee-shirt, MREs, packets of antibiotics and other medicines…

"Yes, score!" he said happily, snatching something up.

"Did you find your batteries?" Jonas asked.

"No. Something else," he said, ripping it open discreetly.

"Is that candy?" Jonas asked hopefully.

"No!" O'Neill said defensively, taking a large bite of the candy bar he had found.

"Major Carter will not be pleased with you, O'Neill," Teal'c said solemnly.

O'Neill swallowed quickly, realising Teal'c was absolutely correct, asusual. He passed the bar to Jonas, who was turning out to be a much more convenient scapegoat than Daniel or Teal'c had ever let themselves be. "She'd be more than happy to share with you, Jonas, go ahead," he said with an encouraging smile.

"Thanks!" he said obliviously, taking a large bite out of it and grinning around the mouthful of chocolate. "Wow, this is much better than what we had for dinner!" he said appreciatively.

Jack rolled his eyes slightly and then picked up a disposable razor in surprise. "What's she doing bringing one of these for an overnight mission?" he asked to no one in particular.

Jonas shrugged. "What's it for?"

"It's a razor… come on, you shave."

"Yeah, but Major Carter wouldn't need to shave. She's a woman. We established that earlier."

Jack sighed and shot an impatient look at Teal'c, who nodded slightly, silently agreeing to deal with the new guy. "Tauri women shave their legs, Jonas Quinn. As well as the area underneath their arms, usually."

"Why?"

"I am unsure. It is tradition, I suppose."

"Colonel?"

"Oh yeah. Tradition," he agreed absently.

He picked up a permanent marker that was among the assorted items and used it to lift up a bra by one of its straps. He had hoped there were batteries hiding underneath it, but there weren't. He was quickly losing his patience with his 2IC. She HAD to have batteries.

"What's that, Colonel?"

"Oh come on, Jonas, the women on your planet don't even wear bras?" he asked, holding it out towards him.

He eyed it suspiciously.

Teal'c again felt the need to help out their newest teammate. "It is a woman's undergarment, Jonas Quinn."

"For wh… OH! For… oh. I see." He was grinning again.

"Excellent deductive reasoning skills there, Jonas. Want a closer look at it?" O'Neill offered, holding it out to him. It still dangled between them off the end of the marker.

"No, that's okay," he said quickly, leaning back.

"It's a bra, Jonas, not a bomb…" O'Neill started, amusing himself by threatening the younger guy with it.

It was at that moment that Major Carter returned to the campsite.

She froze at the sight of her CO holding her bra out to their newest teammate. _No. This could not be real… she was sleeping already. Surely this was a dream…_

They all turned to her sheepishly. Only Teal'c looked innocent. O'Neill looked predictably guilty. "This isn't what it looks like!" he said quickly, stuffing the bra back into her pack.

"This… this is what you guys do when I go…"

"No!" O'Neill said quickly.

Teal'c decided he should intervene before Major Carter killed her CO. While O'Neill may have deserved punishment, Major Carter would find herself in trouble if she injured the Colonel, and Teal'c didn't want that to happen. "Indeed, it is not," he told her gently.

"I was looking for some batteries. For my Gameboy," O'Neill stuttered.

"They're in that front pocket, sir. Like always. So you don't have to dump out my entire pack."

"Oh…" He opened the front pocket experimentally and pulled out a pack of batteries. "Thanks."

He didn't think he'd be getting the chance to play his Gameboy any more that night, however. Jonas, however observant he claimed to be, was seemingly oblivious to the fact that, as Teal'c had predicted, she was less-than-happy with their invasion of her privacy. He continued to munch on the candy bar, looking back and forth between the two of them.

Seizing on the chance to divert her attention away from him, Jack gestured to Jonas with his eyes. Carter narrowed her eyes slightly at him then glanced at Jonas, who was eating her last remaining candy bar with apparent relish, and indeed had chocolate smeared all around his mouth like a child.

"Jonas! That's my last Kit Kat! I'm gonna kill you! " she screamed suddenly, lunging for it.

He screamed in surprise and took off running, scared to death of her.

"Great, now we have to go after him, way to go Carter," O'Neill grumbled, lacing up his boots.

"It's not MY fault, SIR!" she countered, grabbing her flashlight.

He ignored that.

"In her state of unhappiness, Major Carter has forgotten Jonas Quinn is not familiar with Tauri traditions of exaggeration," Teal'c said, standing as well.

It took them two hours to find Jonas. He was hiding up a tree and had to be coaxed down, Carter assuring him that she was not actually going to kill him.

When they all finally got back to their campsite, they were all very grumpy. Carter at least was no longer mad about the pack incident, seeing as how O'Neill had tripped over a tree root during their search and landed face first in a mud-puddle.

They finally all got settled down in their sleeping bags for the night. Jonas was sound asleep in less than two seconds, the smile back on his face. Teal'c was already in kel-no-reem. O'Neill, who had first watch, still had a burning question he really wanted answered though.

"Carter? You awake?" he whispered.

"Yes, sir," she answered, turning on her side to face him even though she could barely make out his shape in the dark.

"Why'd you bring a razor?" he wanted to know.

"I always have that in my pack, sir."

"Why? We're hardly ever…"

"Just in case…"

"In case what?"

"In case we get stranded somewhere for months or something."

"Oh."

He thought about that for a few moments and suddenly found it ridiculously funny, but after six years he knew better than to laugh at his 2IC for something some people (not him of course) would consider obsessive.

"Sorry about going through your stuff, Carter. I didn't think you'd mind."

"I don't mind, sir, it's not like you've never gone into my pack for batteries before. I just don't really want Jonas playing with my underwear."

He thought about asking if she minded HIM playing with her underwear, but figured she was probably within reach of her zat gun, so he just said, "I won't let him do it again, Carter. He doesn't understand that kind of stuff yet."

"Right," Carter said, trying to hide a smile. She knew she shouldn't encourage that kind of behavior. Really. It would only make him worse.


End file.
